Whenever I think of this word, I can’t help but hear Billy Joel’s song playing in the background of my mind …
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
Lately I feel like I’ve come to realize that I am the biggest liar to my own self. I’ve deceived myself for so long that I was happy and everything was alright or going to be alright that now when I’m working on moving forward and starting over and working through the mistakes of my past – I am paralyzed with fear that I am still lying to myself.
All the self-doubt from being told over and over again that I am worthless, stupid, can’t do anything right, that I’m fat, ugly, unattractive, that no one else will ever want me, that the only reason he married me was cause he felt sorry for me and on the day of our wedding that he wished he had never allowed it to get that far, cause he didn’t love me and didn’t want to marry me, but it was too late to call things off.
If I’m being honest, I already knew it was true before he ever actually spoke the words and confirmed what my heart felt. So I am in the process of trying to dig myself out of this hole I’ve basically crawled into. Constantly being sad and afraid is wearing on me. Even if it has been 20 months since the divorce, the emotional and financial abuse carried over for 14 months afterwards. I’ve kept certain things secret for so long, and feel that if I don’t tell my story that I won’t completely heal. I need to not only get to an emotionally healthy place; I need to work on getting my body to a healthy place as well. I need to lose 50 to 60 pounds, but it is more than losing weight. I don’t want to be ‘skinny’, I want to get healthy and remove the doubt, fear and stress from my life as well.
Smiling on the outside when I’m with others to only cry every time I’m alone is not okay. Lately every morning when I drive to work, I cry. Every day when I drive home from work, I cry. When I take a shower, I cry. I will watch sad movies so I can cry just so my kids don’t worry or wonder what is wrong. There are times when my tears start to seep out and I’ve been creative with why there are tears in my eyes, from saying I just yawned, had lotion on my hands and accidentally rubbed my eyes and that is the cause. I’ve got a pocket full of excuses to cover up the tears when I can no longer hold them back until I’m alone.
Then of course I have guilt. I’m basically healthy, my children are basically happy and healthy. No one in my immediate family or close friends is dying of cancer or any other rare health issues. I don’t have the physical bruises or broken bones from the abuse for most people to understand what I have been through. It is hard enough for someone to understand why a person stays with a physical abuser, but it is even harder to understand and grasp why someone stayed with a bully. People now stand up for those who have been bullied for being different. Be it your race, economical standings or sexual preference and of course domestic violence. But the silent invisible abuse continues to be swept under the carpet and not fully understood.
The fear and shame that overwhelms the victim to step forward contributes to the misperception. It makes people uncomfortable. I still have hope and faith. I know I will get through this. For the last six months, I have put my life on hold ever since I put my home up for sale, thinking I had to wait till I moved to really work on being happy and working through the pain. I daydream about ‘after the move’ I will exercise more, I will get involved in my (new) community, and I will explore my passions and make them more a part of my life again. I love helping others, I love photography, I love music, I love coordinating events, making things happen and I love journalism / writing. I need to stop dreaming of what I will do in the future and work on it each and every day I wake up. That is my future. Each new day! I have a lot of fear of what happens if I don’t sell my house and I’m stuck in this town with my abuser? I need to purge that out of my thoughts and focus on what I can do for myself NOW! Of course as with any challenge it is definitely easier said than done.
Just My 2 Cents
© Shannon Tripp
**Repost/Written November 2014**
UPDATE: Happy to say that I dug myself out of the hole, lost the weight and I've kept it off, moved forward and away from the negativity that was holding me back.
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